After Happily Ever After
by phantom130 5
Summary: We all know that in this world things can never be perfectly happy. Be prepared for a lot of stupidity and crack humor as the story goes through the life of a prince and princess, their daughter, a genius baby, and a former evil wizard kidnapper ex-boyfriend. Cover by Corvinerium on Deviantart. Visit my profile to view more of his work.
1. The Story of the Prince

**Chapter 1: The Story of the Prince**

Once upon a time lived a foolish, but handsome prince. This prince wanted to save a beautiful princess more than anything, so he set off looking for some random damsel in distress.

An evil dark wizard named Elijah Akerman didn't live very far away from the prince. Elijah was a very vengeful person and he wanted to kill Princess Avis for breaking his heart long ago.

The prince learned of this and he fought Elijah. In the end Elijah had lost all his power and the prince married the princess and everyone lived happily ever after... But what do the words 'Happily Ever After' really mean? Everyone knows that in this world life is boring without at least a little conflict. I guess we'll just have to see what life is like... after happily ever after!

**~ phantom130 5 (December 2012)**


	2. The Not So Normal Family

**Chapter 2: The Not So Normal Family**

"So have you heard a real live prince and princess are actually going to be moving in right beside us?" Said an overly excited female voice.

"Yeah so?" Asked another; this voice was male and did not seem to share the girl's enthusiasm.

"Just think about the fame and celebrity status! We'll actually know royalty!"

"... You're so stupid Snow White. We live in the land of Fairy Tales. Half the residents here are either a prince or princess of some sort. Give it up. The title of prince and princess mean nothing now."

A black van pulled into the driveway of a gingerbread house and a man with long blonde hair stepped out. He took in a wiff of the air and enjoyed the scent of freshly baked pastry.

A girl with a pretty face and long blond hair stepped out of the car from the passenger side, took a look at the house, and gasped.

"What the heck is this?" She asked angrily.

"Surprise!" The man cheered clapping his hands.

"You ... got the gingerbread house! I thought we agreed on that nice place in Drury Lane!" The girl yelled.

"I lied!" The man cheered.

The girl let out a frustrated sigh. "When my mother said to never marry a prince I really should have listened to her."

"Now come on baby don't be like that." The boy urged. "At least it isn't a house of straw. Face it, I could have done a whole lot worse. At least this way we'll never go hungry!"

"I don't think you realize we can't eat our own house." The girl replied.

At that moment a red haired man stepped out from the van. "Hey, Princess Avis, what's going on? Are we allowed inside yet?" He asked.

The girl, better known as Princess Avis shook her head in frustration. "Not much is going on Elijah! Just our wonderful prince blew his fortune on this ... gingerbread house!"

"What?" Elijah, the red haired man exclaimed in shock. "How could he be so stupid?"

"Hey, I'm the main character in our story! I can buy whatever type of house I want!" The prince defended.

"Sure you're the main character." Elijah replied sarcastically. "They don't even mention your name in the story! You're just some prince who happened to stumble upon a damsel in distress ... And my ex-damsel of all people!"

"For your information Elijah, I do have a name! I'm Prince Jepson Carly Rae the Third and three quarters! But people just call me Prince Jepson for short." The man retorted. "And I'm very important! After all, who was the one who saved the princess by defeating you and then took you in when you'd lost everything and were living on the street?"

"... You did ..." Elijah admitted with a sigh.

"I still don't know about this Jepson." Avis admitted. She sighed. "But if this is really how you want to live I'll support you."

"Thanks." Jepson said. "Elijah, I'd like to look around the town. Would you mind letting the kids out of the car and babysitting them while I'm away?"

Elijah snickered. "You do remember I tried to kill you once with magic right? Are you seriously going to allow me, a dark wizard who hates anything to do with you and Avis' romance, take care of your kids?"

Jepson nodded. "Yeah, I think you'll be a great influence! Avis you're coming with me too right?"

Avis smiled. "Sure. It would be nice to look around town a bit."

Then Jepson handed Elijah the keys to the house and he and his wife made their way down the street to meet with the other neighbors.

Elijah just stood still, seeming at a loss for words. In his mind forgiveness was fine, he was not particularly forgiving, but he did not mind the term when it suited him. Even still, there was such a thing as being a little too forgiving.

It was true that no matter what bad things Elijah said to Jepson and Avis about their kids he never meant it. He would never admit it outwardly, but the little tykes had grown on him.

Elizabeth, the oldest in the family, was beginning her first year in high school. And then there was her younger brother; Elijah would use the term 'wise for his years' to describe him, but really anyone that knew him would tell you that was an understatement. No, Jepson's son, he was a child prodigy.

Jepson and Avis walked together up to the old house next door. The home did not have a doorbell so Jepson knocked and he and his wife waited for someone to answer. They were greeted by an old man with red, rosy cheeks.

"Hello, who are you?" The old man asked.

"My name is Prince Jepson and this is my wife, Princess Avis!" He explained cheerfully. "We're your new neighbors!"

"Oh ... I'm Geppetto." The old man said.

Jepson giggled. "Geppetto, that's a silly name."

"Well Jepson isn't exactly a common name either." Geppetto retorted, seeming offended.

"Woah! No need to get offensive buddy!" Jepson said defending himself.

Geppetto humphed. "I'm so sick of you hippies with your long hair and loud boom-boxes. Nobody your age has any respect!" Geppetto said angrily.

"Dad, who's at the door?" A wooden puppet asked as he made his way to the door in nothing, but his boxer-shorts and a white T-shirt with food stains on it. Around the boy's neck were big headphones which were connected to the music player in his hands and playing Bullet for my Valentine on full-blast.

"I see you have a bit of a handful with your son yourself." Jepson said.

Geppetto's face turned bright red. "For your information my son Pinocchio, may not look like much, but he's an honor student! His I.Q. is one-hundred-eighty and he's only in grade nine!"

"No it isn't ..." Pinocchio retorted, but Geppetto covered up the puppet's mouth before he said any more.

Jepson snickered. "Is that all? Our six month old baby has an I.Q. of over two-hundred!"

Geppetto laughed. "Lies! You lie just like me!"

Pinocchio with wide eyes and jaw dropped, reached out, and poked Geppetto's nose.

"What are you doing?" Geppetto asked his son angrily.

"How come it didn't grow?" He asked.

"What?" Geppetto questioned, but quickly dropped it. "My point is there is no way your six-month year old baby can be so smart!"

Avis reached into her purse and pulled out a certificate. "Actually we've got this to prove it."

She handed the papers to Geppetto and the old man's jaw dropped.

"No way, you were telling the truth! How is this possible?"

"Have you ever read the story _Apple_ by phantom130 5?" Jepson asked.

"Who?" Geppetto questioned.

"Phantom130 5, that's his penname. He's a FictionPress and FanFiction writer." Jepson explained.

"That's a pen-name? It sounds like some sort of cheesy username for a gaming website or something." Pinocchio said.

"Yeah whatever." Jepson replied, ignoring the puppet. "Anyways, in his story _Apple_ there is this one character called the Bald Old Man and he's like really wise and stuff because he's bald! So I thought I'd name my son the 'Bald Young Baby' because he's a baby and he's bald too! And well now my baby's a genius as well."

"That makes absolutely no sense!" Geppetto retorted.

"Maybe so. But there is no denying that baldness equals wisdom." Jepson said.

"... Interesting ..." Geppetto muttered. He grabbed Pinocchio's hand. "Come on son. I think it's time for a haircut."

Pinocchio's eyes shot up in horror. "NO, NOT THE WOOD-CHIPPER!"

When Geppetto had shut the door behind him Jepson and Avis exchanged glances.

"Poor puppet ..." Avis muttered. Jepson nodded.

"I don't think I want to visit any one else today." He confessed.

"Me neither." Avis added, still appearing to be in shock.

Back at the house Elizabeth, a young blond around the age of fourteen, tried to unlock the door. Elijah stood behind cradling a sleeping, six-month child in his arms as he waited for Elizabeth to do her job. Sadly they had been standing like this for a long time.

"It's no use! How the heck are you supposed to unlock a gingerbread house?" Elizabeth complained.

Elijah looked down at the sleeping baby. He considered waking him up. The Bald Young Baby would know of a way for sure, but he seemed so relaxed. He was still growing. It wasn't right to wake the little genius from his nap. So Elijah just rocked him and suggested the first thing that came to mind.

"We could always just knock down the front door."

Elizabeth gave a devilish grin. "That would make my parents so upset ... Let's do it."

Elijah chuckled. "I like that evil in you. It's something about you that takes over neither your mother, nor father. It kind of reminds me of myself. Anyways, let's get started fast, before your parents come back."

Elizabeth nodded and kicked open the door. The door crumbled the second it hit the floor. Then Elizabeth, not bothering to clean up the mess of cookie crumbs, casually entered the house. Elijah followed close behind, but as he passed the door he bent down to pick up a small piece to eat.

Inside the house was equally as surprising. The whole inside was made of candy. It had peppermint seating, a marshmallow couch, chocolate furniture, even the windows were green, see through Jolly Ranchers. If either one of the duo had more of a sweet tooth they would believe that they had died and gone to Candy-Heaven.

"What on earth ..." Elijah asked, gawking.

"This is insane. Who could have crafted all this?" Elizabeth asked, seeming awestruck.

"I don't know, but whoever did must have really loved sweets." Elijah replied. He walked over to a chocolate baby crib and gently lay the infant inside. "Goodnight my little genius." Elijah said.

At that moment a woman with short black hair strode into the room. She gave a toothy grin and shook Elizabeth's hand.

"My name is Snow White. I live with seven dwarfs across the street from you." She said.

"Oh neat ... I'm Elizabeth. My father likes to call me Beth for short, but I don't like that name." The girl explained dryly. "Besides that, I live with a family of freaks."

Snow White laughed. "Don't worry I think I can relate better than you think. I live with seven freaks."

"That's not very nice. Dwarfs aren't freaks because they're short!" Elijah retorted.

"Oh! I don't mean they're freaks because of their height." Snow White said. "It's their personalities. They're so animated, it's almost like they're all the stereotype of what they're named after."

Elijah now beamed. "Oh! I've seen the Disney movie a hundred times! I'm sure I could name them all!" He cheered.

"You better not!" Snow White yelled. "Disney's version of the Dwarfs are protected by copy right! So instead we had to use different dwarf names."

"Such as?" Elizabeth inquired, now finally starting to show interest in the situation.

Snow White cleared her throat. "Well let me see. There's Fan-Girl, Useless, Annoying, Smelly, Flamer, and Tally."

"Wait, if a dwarf is tall is he really a dwarf?" Elijah inquired.

"Technically he isn't." Snow White said. "But he thinks he is. His mother was an internet troll and his father was an ogre, but since he doesn't know he was adopted we're not going to break the news to him until later."

"Hmm ... You said you lived with seven dwarfs, but you only named six. What about the other one?" Elizabeth asked.

"Oh, I was hoping you'd ask." Snow White said. "His name is Politically-Correct and he doesn't like the term 'dwarf'. He prefers to call himself 'vertically challenged'."

Elijah rolled his eyes. The last thing anyone needed was to make Fairy Tales more politically correct.

Just then one of the little people that Snow White lived with walked in. Elijah would have pressured him to knock, but then again Elijah's family was missing a door, no thanks to him and Elizabeth.

"Hello Snow Caucasian, very well mid-of-day neighbours."

Snow White smiled. "Hello Politically-Correct." She said politely. "As you can tell he calls me Snow Caucasian because he doesn't like the term 'white'."

"Please Snow Caucasian; call me Mr. Politically-Correct. It's only polite. Anyways, the other vertically challenged people really neat you back at home. Somehow Useless managed to get trapped on top of a really vertically-unchallenged shelf and none of us are able to reach him."

"Vertically-unchallenged?" Elijah questioned.

"He means the shelf was really high up." Snow White said with an eye roll. "I'll go help him."

"I can go too." Elijah offered.

Snow White gave a smile. "Sure, as long as you think you're tall enough for the challenge I welcome you to come."

"Wait, how about us?" Elizabeth asked referring to herself and her younger brother, the Bald Young Baby.

Elijah shrugged. "I think I can trust you two. If you need anything we're just down the street, but other than that just ask your little brother. From this point forward he's in charge."

"Wait, the baby is going to babysit me?" Elizabeth asked, taking offense.

Elijah nodded. "He's always proven himself to be the more responsible one."

"H-how?" Elizabeth questioned.

"Remember that week your mom kept asking you to clean your room?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Who was the one that finally cleaned it?"

"He did." Elizabeth muttered, referring to her little brother.

"Correct, now I've got to go, we can't keep Useless waiting." Elijah said, as he, Snow White, and Politically Correct left the house.

As soon as Elijah was out of site, Elizabeth rested herself down by the crib and pouted. It was like her family to favor her brother. After all, Elizabeth wasn't even a genius like he was. There had to be a way for her to prove herself, but how? Maybe she wasn't important. The family already had a prince, princess, evil wizard, and a genius child, who exactly was she, but some normal first born daughter?

"Maybe I should run away." She said out loud to herself.

"If you ran away, you would not be here anymore!" exclaimed a deep, masculine voice that caught Elizabeth off guard.

She turned her head and saw a man in a spandex superhero costume. Around his neck was a metal chain, holding a block of wood with messy writing on it saying _Captain Obvious is me!_

Elizabeth knew it was an obvious question, but she let it slip anyway, "Who are you?"

"My name dear child is Captain Obvious! Captain Obvious is my name, because that is what my mommy and daddy called me after mommy gave birth to me!"

"Yeah, I think I see that." Elizabeth muttered. "W=what are you doing here though?"

"I'm talking to you!"

"I-I know, but why'd you come here?"

"Because you have no door!"

"So you just walked in?"

"Yes, I walked into your house and now I am talking to you!"

"I can see that."

"Then why did you ask?"

"I don't know anymore." Elizabeth said shaking her head. "Look, I'm glad to have met you and all, but I've got to go."

"You are running away!" Captain Obvious exclaimed.

"Thanks for pointing that out to me." Elizabeth said sarcastically.

"You are welcome!"

"I was being sarcastic..."

"Captain Obvious does not understand sarcasm! But he detects something! If you are running away, then no one is going to look after your baby brother! Babies are humans that aren't yet grown up yet and brother means that he is a boy! So your premature human will have no supervision without you!"

Elizabeth sighed. "Do you to babysit him?"

"Of course, but babysitting does not mean that I get to sit on the baby!"

"I get that." Elizabeth said and left the house.

Captain Obvious, with a huge smile on his face peeked at the baby from beside the baby's crib. "He looks just like a premature human male in a crib made of chocolate!"

The baby slowly opened his eyes, because whenever Captain Obvious talked he spoke very loudly. Even though he tried, he never could get the hang of an _indoor voice_.

"Oh no, it seems I have woken the baby up by yelling! You can tell that I am yelling, because my speech always ends with an exclamation mark!"

The Bald Young Baby glared at Captain Obvious for a minute, before speaking up. "Who are you?"

"My name dear baby is Captain Obvious! Captain Obvious is my name, because that is what my mommy and daddy called me when I was a baby, much like you are now! All babies have names, but you are the first baby I know that can talk!"

The Bald Young Baby sighed and sat up. He never liked when weirdos came over to his house unannounced, but at this point he was sort of used to it. Many people from all over the world would come to visit the Bald Young Baby in order to seek advice, but this man was the first person the baby met who ... well the baby wasn't sure what this man wanted, but somehow the Bald Young Baby doubted that he wanted advice, even though he probably could use some.

"Where are my parents?" The Bald Young Baby asked.

"Yes, babies, even talking ones have parents! I do not know who gave birth to you! It was not me, for I am male and cannot give birth! But I think your sister knows who gave birth to you, because for her to be your sister she must have the same parents!"

"Where's my sister?"

"She is not in this room! She is not on Pluto either for no human has been on that planet yet!"

"Yeah, I know where she isn't, but where is she?"

Captain Obvious shrugged. For once someone had made him speechless.

The Bald Young Baby sighed and lay back in his crib. His family was very dysfunctional, but it wouldn't hurt to rest a little bit while waiting for them to return. The Bald Young Baby was certain that if he shut his eyes now everything would be back to normal by the time he woke up and sure enough it was.

~ phantom130 5 (April 2013)


	3. Jepson gets a Pet

**Chapter 3: Jepson gets a Pet**

"So in conclusion, every little boy needs to own a pet." Elijah said. He stood in front of a PowerPoint slide with a clicker. Jepson and Avis sat nearby on the candy couch watching the presentation. "Any questions?"

Jepson raised his hand. "Why did you show us a whole PowerPoint just to convince us to get a pet?"

Elijah sighed. "Haven't you been paying attention? I told you, I had a cat when I was little and that was a part of my childhood that I want to pass onto the next generation even if they aren't really my kids."

"I had a dog when I was little. I think Elizabeth has sort of grown past that animal phase, but the Bald Young Baby is still little. We've got to try to do something like this for him even if it's just a small animal like a rabbit or hamster."

Jepson took a moment to think this over. Of course his wife was right, she always was, but siding with her meant that he was agreeing with Elijah too. He had to think up a convincing argument. "I've never had a pet and I'm fine."

"Are you sure you're fine?" Elijah asked.

"We're living in a candy house!" Avis reminded.

Jepson sighed, a small smile playing on his lips despite his act. "Alright, we can get a pet for our son, but I've got to pick it out."

Elijah was about to argue, but Avis stopped him by putting her arm on his shoulder. "Let him go. The chapter will be more interesting this way."

Prince Jepson entered the pet store and looked around in deep thought.

'Wonder which of these pets would be the perfect creature for my son.' He thought to himself.

He walked past a goose that laid golden eggs, a few baby dragons, and a cow that could jump over the moon, without so much as a second glance. Then he spotted something that caught his eye. Two tiny goldfish swam together in a giant fish bowl.

"Aww, they're so cute!" Jepson said; his eyes going wide in awe.

The pet store owner, a pristine man with his hair in a comb-over walked by and stood beside Prince Jepson.

"Those are our magical talking goldfish." The owner explained. "They're one magical bean a piece."

"They talk!" Jepson exclaimed. He leaned over to one and in a high pitched voice said, "Can you say phantom130 5?

"5 031 Motnahp." The fish replied with an adorable smile.

"What?" Jepson asked.

The pet store owner laughed. "That's Tish the Fish. He speaks; just sometimes he likes to speak backwards for fun. Can you say something forwards now?"

"Bubbles!" The fish exclaimed while swimming around in circles.

"Bubbles? Can't he say something a little more intelligent?" Jepson asked.

The pet store owner shook his head. "Naturally these fish don't have a very large attention span. They'll listen to you one moment and the next they'll ..."

The pet store owner cut himself off when he noticed that Jepson was not listening anymore. Instead he had his face pressed up against the fish bowl, watching in awe as the fish swam around in circles blowing bubbles. The owner sighed. This prince's attention span was the same as a gold fish.

"I wonder what sort of pet Jepson's going to get." Elijah said. He sat with Avis and Elizabeth at the chocolate table eating a chicken dinner. The Bald Young Baby sat up in his high-chair watching his family skeptically.

"What do you mean by pet?" The baby asked.

"Should we tell him?" Elijah asked, looking toward Avis.

"We may as well." Elizabeth said, looking up from her meal for the first time.

"Tell me!" The baby whined, "I'll cry if you don't!"

"It's a surprise." Avis said in a tone that warned the others not to push the subject, but the Bald Young Baby, against his better judgement, continued to push.

"It's a dragon isn't it? I've always wanted a dragon!"

"Cool! I really hope it's a dragon!" Elijah exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air excitedly.

Even Elizabeth couldn't help smiling, "I'd love if dad got something cool like that for a change."

"Goodness no!" Avis said looking horrified, "Jepson will not bring home a dragon. Those creatures aren't safe for little babies to play with!" On the outside Avis tried to look confident, but in secret she prayed that Jepson at least had this much common sense.

"Oh come on Avis, I'm sure your son will be perfectly fine." Elijah said.

"You're just hoping for a dragon because you want one!" Avis accused.

"That isn't ... all true." Elijah replied, picking his words carefully.

"Oh, yeah? Who read _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire _twenty times because of the dragon on the cover?" Avis asked mockingly.

"I did, but..."

"Who used my computer to watch _Dragon Ball, _but then got disappointed, because of the lack of dragon related merchandise?" Elizabeth asked.

"I did ..."

"Who read _The Paper Bag Princess _to me every night before bed?" The Bald Young Baby asked.

"Okay, I'll admit I have a bit of a dragon problem, but I still stand by my word! Every baby should have their own dragon!"

Suddenly a car was heard pulling into the driveway and everyone including Elizabeth (carrying the Bald Young Baby) came running to the front yard to see Jepson.

"So what did you get?" The Young Baby asked as soon as Jepson stepped out of the car.

"Is it something dangerous?" Elijah added.

"Please tell me it isn't." Avis pleaded.

"... Um ..." Jepson said, his face turning red.

"We're dangerous." Said a voice from in the car.

"Rawr!" Said another, and both voices went into a fit of giggles.

"That was the funniest thing ever!" Said the first voice.

"What was the funny thing again?" Asked the second.

"I forget."

Elijah, who was confused and frustrated, pushed Jepson away from his car and climbed in to get a better look.

"What is it?" Avis asked, shaking in fear as she held onto her eldest child's free hand.

"It's uh ... They're ... goldfish." Elijah said, not bothering to hide a look of disappointment as he carried the round fishbowl out of the car.

"We're not just any goldfish! We're fish that lay golden eggs!" Said one of the fish cheerfully.

"No dumby, we're not the ones that lay golden eggs, we're the ones that talk!" Said the other.

"Oh yeah?" The fish questioned bitterly, "Well if we don't lay golden eggs, what did I lay yesterday?"

"That was your pooh!"

"How do you know? You can't even remember our funny joke!"

"I forget ... who are we again?"

"They talk." Jepson explained as he calmly snatched the pets away from his rival.

Elijah cringed, "What's the point of keeping something that only flaps its gums, eats your food, and poops?"

Jepson shrugged, "We keep you don't we?"

Avis kissed her husband on the cheek, "I like them." She confessed.

"Thank you malady," A fish said, attempting to kiss Avis' hand, but only managing to smack its lips on the bowl.

"May I ask your names?" Avis asked.

"I'm Mish the Fish and the other is my sister Tish."

"Tish the Mish!" Tish said excitedly.

"You have to get used to her. She's still learning about the ... Ouu, bubble!" Tish cut himself off as he swam up after some bubbles that came from his mouth, but it got away.

"Fish are weird." Elijah said, and for once no one argued.

**~ phantom130 5 (July 2013)**


	4. The Laziest Time Traveler

**Chapter 4: The Laziest Time Traveler**

Jepson lazily sat resting up against the end of his candy couch as he flipped through the pages of the daily newspaper looking for any news on phantom130 5.

"Not phantom130 5, not phantom130 5... Oh, there's a sale on men's jeans, but that's not phantom130 5... What's it say here?" Jepson lowered his head and squinted to read the fine print. "Phantom130 5 has just signed up for NovelJoy? Good for him. I'm glad he gets to bring his writing to new horizons!"

Jepson set the newspaper down on the marshmallow footrest across from him and shifted his body so he took up the couch. The rest of the family (excluding the fish) were out grocery shopping so Jepson had the whole couch to himself. What was a better way to celebrate this new sense of freedom than to nap in the afternoon?

"We need to keep quiet for Mr. Jepson." Mish said.

"Yes or else he says he's going to make us into sushi." Tish said.

"Who's making us into sushi?"

"Yum, I love sushi!"

Jepson gave a long, slow sigh. Not even his fish's nonstop talking could ruin his perfect nap. All the prince needed to do now was go to...- **KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

Jepson sat up in surprise and let his heart steady. He wasn't sure what startled him more, the fact that someone had surprised him by knocking on the door or the fact that the family's door had somehow magically repaired itself since chapter one.

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

"Go away." Jepson muttered, but the knocking didn't stop. It got louder and more frequent. Eventually the prince couldn't take it anymore. He swung the door open to see a boy who looked like he was still in middle school.

"Look, I'm not buying anything for your school so scat!" Jepson said.

"I don't want to sell you anything. I need to warn you about something really important!"

"Not interested."

"This information could be the difference between life and death."

"Can't it wait until after my nap?"

"You may never read another phantom130 5 story again!"

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well, the thing is... I'm from the future. There's something you do in your lifetime which could cause the end of the world, but the only thing is... I can't remember what I was supposed to warn you about. Mind if I crash in your house until my memory restarts?"

"If you don't have something important to say, then don't bother me." Jepson said coldly. "I want to take a nap, but I can't if bratty, forgetful kids keep showing up at my doorstep for nothing."

"I'm not bratty! Come on, please let me through!" The boy said as he tried to push Jepson out of the way, but Jepson pushed back.

"Don't mess with me kiddo. I may not be a time traveler, but I am a prince!"

The boy snickered. "Prince? You don't look like one. You're living in a gingerbread house for Pete's sake!"

"I've had enough of you!" Jepson yelled. He made his hands into fists and raised them into the air. "Come on kid, I'll fight you if you want!"

"JEPSON!" Came a woman's voice as a car pulled into the driveway. Princess Avis ran out of the car so quickly that she forgot to turn it off. She pushed past the time travel kid and slapped Jepson in the face. "Can I leave you alone for one day without you trying to pick fights with the neighborhood kids?"

"He disturbed my sleep." Jepson said wide eyed. "Can't I just beat him a little?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Go to your room! No video games for a month!"

Avis turned back to the boy who was knocked to the ground in her panic. "Sorry about that. My husband can be pretty reckless if you rally him up."

"It's alright." The boy said as he stood up, "But I've got to..."

"Avis, we need you to help with the groceries!" Elijah yelled as he popped open the car's trunk.

"Oh yeah!" Avis said. She turned back to the boy and gave a heartwarming smile. "It was nice to meet you, but I've got to get going."

"Wait!" The boy yelled, but Avis didn't hear him. She was already beside Elijah, yelling at him to handle the bread and eggs with caution. Elijah grunted and muttered some nasty words under his breath, but he obeyed. He smiled when his eyes met the time traveler's.

"Nice job! I've never seen Jepson so angry! What did you even say to him?"

"Well..." The time traveler started.

"Elijah, watch how you're holding the bread! You're going to squash it!" Avis yelled from behind.

"I'm holding the bread just fine!" Elijah yelled back. He stormed into the house without another word to Avis or the time traveler, but that didn't stop Avis' nitpicking.

"I'm just giving you advice. That's all. No need to get snippy on me."

Elizabeth carried the Bald Young Baby in one hand and a box of cereal in the other. When her eyes met the time traveler's she gave a devious smirk. "You'll have to go to another family because we're not buying whatever you're selling."

"But the world's going to end..."

"Unless we buy your product." Elizabeth finished. "I've heard that sales pitch before. It doesn't work on me."

The time traveler was about to speak when Avis intercepted the thought.

"Come on Elizabeth! We need to get the food in before it spoils!"

"See you around." Elizabeth said to the time traveler before running inside.

"...See you..." The time traveler replied.

Jepson was the first to wake up the next morning. He deliberately went to bed early so he could get up early and play video games without Avis knowing. It was the perfect plan, but anyone can tell you that nothing goes as planned in this house.

"Oh, it's you... What are you doing breaking into my palace?" Prince Jepson asked, looking down at the small boy sitting on his favorite leather couch and reading from Jepson's collection of phantom130 5's stories.

"Like I said, I came from the future to warn you about something _very _important and I won't leave until you hear my warning!"

Jepson sighed. "Ok, whatever you want! Just stop reading my books! You're bending them back too far! If you're not careful you might break the spine!"

The boy put the book down and looked Jepson in the eyes. "Like I _also_ said I can't remember what it was I was supposed to tell you, but I remember it was really important! I think they said it was for humanity's last hope or something... By the way, do you have any Cheetos?"

The prince looked flabbergasted. "How can you think of eating at a time like this; after you defiled my all time favorite book? It shouldn't have even left my book shelf, but no, you just had to break in to my house and bend the spine all the way back! ... Oh yeah and then there's this whole thing about mankind! I mean seriously dude if you can't even remember what you had to tell us to save the planet, how could you have been trusted to run a time machine in the first place?"

"I won it from a contest on the back of a cereal box."

"...You what?"

"I won it in a contest."

"... Mankind is doomed! My books are doomed! Even my family is doomed!"

"It's alright if you don't have Cheetos. I'll just have something else."

"Will you get your mind off the Cheetos for a second? What's your name?"

"I'm carTer with a capital T."

"But Carter starts with a C."

"True, but in my time it doesn't matter what letter you capitalize in names just as long as the capitals are there!"

"That's weird... Anything else you can tell me about? Perhaps you can predict winning lottery tickets?"

CarTer rolled his eyes. "I'm from the future, not a psychic, but you know George Orwell's story _Animal Farm_? The world where I am from is surprisingly similar."

"You don't say..." Jepson muttered. "I knew pigs were no good! You can't trust anything that tasty!"

"What's going on?" A tired Avis came out from her bedroom and wiped the dust out of her weary eyes. Her eyes moved from Jepson's to carTer's. "What's he doing here? You're not going to pick another fight are you?"

"No, um... well..." Jepson stuttered.

"I'm from the future! I need to warn you not to do something or else it may cause the end of the world!" CarTer interrupted.

"But he doesn't know what that thing is." Jepson finished.

"Can I stay with you until I remember?" CarTer asked.

Avis sighed. "Well, if you say it's for the fate of humanity, how can I argue? But Jepson, you have to care for him."

**~ phantom130 5 (July 2013)**


	5. Humpty

**Chapter 5: Humpty**

We join our family shortly after CarTer was adopted. Our royal princess Avis was still in her housecoat. She yawned and stretched her arms.

"After all the craziness this morning I don't think I'll be able to fall back asleep." She explained.

Jepson pouted and put his head flat on the kitchen table. "Can I at least be ungrounded now?" He whined.

"Nope. Even though CarTer's living with us, that doesn't change the fact that you were rude to him before."

CarTer ignored the conversation. He was having too much fun teasing the talking goldfish by wiggling his finger around in the bowl and pulling it away whenever the fish tried to take a bite. Needless to say, the fish weren't amused. They called CarTer a few words that shouldn't be repeated.

"I'm sorry Jepson, but sometimes I feel alone in the parenting. I need to stand my ground on this decision until I feel you've earned my trust back." Avis explained.

"How do I do that?" Jepson cried.

"I don't know yet." Avis replied dryly. "I mean for Pete's sake, I know the only reason you were up so early is so you can watch TV before I woke up!"

"Hey, you leave Pete out of this!"

"I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't think you'll ever grow up." Avis muttered. She sighed, and then reached into the cereal cabinet for a box of Frosted Flakes. Eagar for a change of topic she asked, "Do you want some cereal?"

"Not until I know how I can be ungrounded!" Jepson demanded.

"But they're grrreat!"

"Okay, maybe just a bowl. But seriously, I need to know!"

Avis sighed. "I don't even know at the moment. I wish there was something more I could say, but I can't."

"I really messed up didn't I?" Jepson asked. The realization was finally starting to sink in.

"I'm afraid so."

"I know! What if I bring in the paper?"

"Oh I love the news!" CarTer cheered, looking up from his fish game just long enough for Tish the fish to bite down on his finger.

"Take that worm!" She cheered.

"You go girl!" Mish added.

"Hey, that kind of tickles." CarTer said while giggling.

"It's settled then! If I get the paper I'm ungrounded!" Jepson said excitedly.

"I never agreed to that." Avis replied sternly.

"Well when you see how well I take the paper in you'll have to-..." Jepson cut himself off as Elijah walked into the room and slammed the paper down on the table. Without another word Elijah walked out of the room and headed back to bed.

"...That was weird." Avis muttered.

"I swear that guy has it out for me." Jepson added. He took the paper, but CarTer snatched it out of Jepson's hand.

"Let me see! I'd love to see what's going on in your time!" CarTer said excitedly.

"Wait, what does the front page say?" Jepson asked. A large colored photo of an oversized cracked egg with a face drawn onto it caught the prince's eyes.

"Hmm..." CarTer turned the paper around and read the headline out loud. "Humpty Dumpty was put back together again."

"Humpty Dumpty!" Avis repeated, nearly choking on the cup of coffee she'd just made.

"Yep. It says here that after ten years of medical attention and ten years of rehab forty year old Humpty Dumpty has finally gotten his life together after falling off the Fairytale Wall. Many medical experts speculated that nobody could put Humpty back together again, but through the miracle of science Humpty will live to see another year." CarTer read. He put the paper down and a small smile spread across his face. "Too bad I already know how his life ends. Anyone want to guess how Humpty really dies?"

"Fin rot!" Mish guessed excitedly.

Anchor worm!" Tish guessed.

"No. Only fish get those diseases." CarTer said. He gave a smile, much too large to suit the conversation and said, "He dies of-..."

Avis cut him off. "Can we please not discuss death while we're having breakfast? Besides Humpty's just a stupid egg! He's not even a fairytale character. Why nobody's tried to scramble him yet is the only mystery that matters to me!"

"I wonder what kind of chicken could have laid him." Jepson added.

"How come Humpty's story never says that he's an egg?" Mish asked.

"For all we know Humpty could be a person!" Tish gasped.

"No, his picture's in the article." CarTer explained. "He's definitely an egg."

"He's a bad egg. So we shouldn't even talk about him!" Avis said, growing impatient. She snatched the paper out of CarTer's hands, tossed it in a nearby recycle bin, and poured the remainder of her coffee on top of the article.

"What was that for?" CarTer yelled. "Now I can't even read the funnies!"

"Sorry, I thought you were done." Avis said, seeming focused on something else.

"What's gotten into you?" Jepson asked angrily.

There was a knock on the door. Avis reached for a conveniently located chainsaw and started it. Then she made her way with the object toward the door.

"I think she's angry about something." CarTer said.

"Nonsense." Jepson gave a laugh. "Avis doesn't get mad."

"Then what's the chainsaw for?"

"She's going to cut a tree."

"Did she say she was going to cut a tree?"

"No."

Jepson and CarTer faintly heard the door squeak open over the sound of the chainsaw. They heard a man's voice screaming and what sounded like a tackle. The fairytale boys made their way outside to see an angry Avis with an oversized egg pinned down to the ground with her legs. Avis' chainsaw was raised, ready to attack.

"What are you doing?" Jepson shrieked. He swiped the chainsaw from Avis' hand and shut it off. "At least when I pick fights with neighbors, I don't use the chainsaw!"

CarTer looked at the egg. Even when screaming in horror CarTer could recognize the egg's eyes anywhere. "Aren't you Humpty Dumpty?"

"Yes." The egg said in a very low, Berry White type voice. "But my friends call me Humpty." He looked up at Avis who was still sitting up on top of him. "And Avis here calls me baby oh baby."

"Why would she call you that?" Jepson asked.

"Well you see Avis and I used to-..."

"It's not important!" Avis interrupted.

"Come on girl. I've been away from you for twenty years. I just want to catch up."

"You and Avis used to what?" Jepson asked.

Avis sighed. "Humpty used to be my boyfriend back before you or even Elijah."

"We were high school sweethearts and college lovers." Humpty added. This time the half asleep Elijah entered and punched Jepson in the face before walking off.

"Owch! What'd I do?" Jepson yelled back, but to no reply.

"Humpty, we've had good times, but I'm married now." Avis said.

"I know. That's why I've come to make a deal."

"What sort of deal?"

"Either you let me stay with you or I'm going to sue for medical expenses."

"What do you mean?" Jepson asked. "How can you do that?"

"Do you know who I was sitting on the wall with?" Humpty questioned.

"No, who?"

Avis sighed. "Everyone thinks Humpty fell off the wall on his own, but I pushed him off."

"What? Why?" Jepson asked.

"Well he was sort of a jerk and he'd always take me with him to sit up on walls. It was like his favorite dating place. So one day we sat up on the wall together. I was so mad at him and things seemed so easy... So I pushed him off."

**~ phantom130 5 (August 2013)**


	6. The Bald Young Sociopath

**Chapter 6: The Bald Young Sociopath **

"My, what a nice place you've got here." Humpty muttered as he inspected the room. "Everything's so organized. Then again you never liked when things were out of place. Isn't that right Avis?"

"That's right Humpty." Avis said with a scowl as she and the others walked inside the house behind him.

"And when I got in your way you thought the best plan of action would be to get rid of me because I was acting out of place. You would have rather my place be on the ground or in your toasted western omelet."

"_That's not_... completely... true." Avis muttered while picking her words carefully.

"Then what is darling?" Humpty asked, but Avis ignored him. She walked past the egg and knocked on the other housemate's doors.

"Please come out guys. I'd like you to meet our newest housemate... Or should I say _housemates_?" Avis called.

"Housemates? What does she mean by that?" Humpty asked.

"I moved in too." CarTer explained.

"Come on, house meeting! Come quickly... Please!" Avis said, his voice growing more panicked with her final plea because even with her head turned she knew Humpty was giving her weird looks.

Elijah came out of the room in his pajamas. He yawned and walked past Avis and Humpty as if today were any other ordinary day. "Time traveler, and egg ex-boyfriend housemates?" Elijah asked not waiting for an answer. "I heard all the details through my dreams."

"Oh that's good." Avis said, faking a smile.

Elijah leaned over to whisper in Jepson's ear. "So what do you think about your wife's other ex moving in? Surely with he and I being here you wouldn't be worried that Avis may have an affair, would you?"

"As much as Avis and I love affairs, I'm not sure we can afford one." Jepson said casually.

"You do know what an affair is, right?"

"Yep, it's that place with the roller coasters and Ferris wheels. I always eat too much and then get really sick when on the fast rides."

"I want to go to a fair." Humpty said, catching only the last part of the conversation.

"Nobody's going to the fair! Besides today's a work day. I've got to take the Bald Young Baby to preschool. And you three have to make sure CarTer and Elizabeth get to school on time!" Avis interjected, gesturing toward Jepson, Elijah, and Humpty for the last comment.

"Then can we go to the fair?" Humpty asked.

"No!"

When Avis came home with her bald, young son, nothing had gotten done or at least nothing she asked for. Jepson, Elijah, and Humpty had turned the entire backyard into a fair while Elizabeth and CarTer sold tickets. Pinocchio and Geppetto were standing outside, bagging to come in, but both children refused them entrance. (Jepson doesn't like Geppetto much.)

"You had one job!" Avis yelled while looking around at her once backyard.

"And we did it." Elijah interjected. "Elizabeth and CarTer made it to school on time."

"You didn't specify how long you wanted them to stay there." Humpty added.

"Until the end of class!"

"Well, you should have said that before." Jepson replied casually.

Avis sighed. "Jepson, can you please be a parent just once? There was something I really wanted to tell you, but now I'm not sure if you can even handle it."

"Come on, I can handle it."

"Are you sure you can? What you decide could affect your son's future."

"CarTer?"

"No, your son! The Bald Young Baby!"

"What about him?"

"Well the teachers at preschool are saying that he's having trouble making friends. They worry that if she doesn't connect to someone soon he may grow up to be anti-social. They're saying that if things don't change soon, then he should visit a psychologist."

Humpty laughed. "Of course he's anti-social. Aren't all babies to an extent?"

"Yeah, but with our child's intelligence, they're saying he should be able to fit in with kids older than him. But he has a bit of a superiority complex. The Bald Young Baby believes he's better than everyone else because he's a genius." Avis explained.

"Is that all?" Jepson asked with a smile. "Avis, I'm a social butterfly! I can help our child without having to pay some silly psychologist!"

"Are you sure?"

"Let me try. What's the worst that can happen?"

Later that day, Jepson returned from the video store carrying several old VCR tapes.

"Avis, get the Bald Young Baby! I checked out some movies that the owner of the video store recommended." Jepson said excitedly.

Avis stared at Jepson for a moment in disbelief, and then smiled wide. "You actually came through on this for me! And for once you even got movies that aren't written by phantom130 5!"

"I never said that! Phantom130 5 writes everything! Even right now he's writing this dialogue."

"No way! I won't believe it! He can't always write down what I say!"

"That's because he wrote that you wouldn't."

Avis shook her head. "Whatever Jepson." She said before leaving to get her child. Even though the logical part of her brain knew better, Avis was edgy for the rest of the day. '_How can he see me?'_ She asked herself on her way to her son's room.

A few minutes later, the family was gathered by the TV.

"In my time, movies are broadcasted in your mind." CarTer boasted.

"We've got that too, but they're called books." Elizabeth said dryly.

"What are we watching?" Elijah asked.

"Its episode 130, of _Happy Bunny5;_ a phantom130 5 production!" Jepson said with a smile. "The episode is called _Bunny5 has no friends_."

"Lame!" Elijah said loudly.

"It is not!" Jepson retorted.

"I'm a baby and even I don't want to see this garbage." The Bald Young Baby said.

"But it's written by phantom130 5."

"Still garbage."

"How do you know?" Avis asked. "You haven't even seen the film yet. Maybe Jepson is onto something."

"That'd be a first." Elijah said with an eye roll.

"Yeah, Jepson screws up on everything. Even buying us." Mish said.

"Sey!" Tish agreed.  
"Well you don't have to stay." Avis said dryly.

"No, I'll stay. Just to see how lame it is." Elijah said with smirk.

"Can I go?" The Bald Young Baby asked.

"No!" Avis replied sharply as Jepson slipped in the video.

Elizabeth sat quietly eating popcorn. Humpty sat beside her. He eyed the snack hungrily. "Can I have some?" Humpty asked.

"Sure, go ahead." Elizabeth said with a sly smile.

A moment passed in silence and then Humpty said, "Um… I don't have hands. Can you feed me?"

"Nope."

Avis smiled. "That's why you're my favorite child Elizabeth."

"Thanks mom."

"Hey, what about me?" The Bald Young Baby asked, but his cry went ignored as Avis leaned over Humpty and stuck her arm out.

"Can I have some popcorn?"

"No."

"Haha, what makes you think that she would give you popcorn if she won't share it with me?" Humpty asked through spurts of laughter.

Wordlessly, Avis snatched the popcorn from her daughter and tried to shove the whole bag down Humpty's throat. (Not sure if throat is the right word for an egg, but whatever.)

"Quiet guys!" Jepson said as he dimmed the lights and pushed play on the video. The others obeyed. Avis sat down and Humpty spit the popcorn bag onto the floor.

"I should make more popcorn." An annoyed Elizabeth muttered to herself as she left the room.

After a few commercials later and the program started playing, however to the group's surprise, the video playing wasn't anything they expected. Girls in bikinis ran across the screen and the title _Kissy Kiss Fun _ran across the screen in large letters.

"What the heck is this?" Elijah asked, wide eyed.

"Oh, Humpty loves this show!" Humpty said with a wide smile.

"Is it a phantom130 5 production?" Jepson asked, smiling wide.

"Of course,"

"Turn it off!" Avis yelled while covering the Bald Young Baby's eyes. "I've heard about these kids of shows. _Mother Monthly Magazine _says they cause children to grow up faster!"

"I don't know what you mean." CarTer said, turning to his adopted mother. Somehow a mustache had grown on his upper lip.

"You've got a mustache!" Avis shrieked.

"So do you!" Yelled Elijah; he also had a mustache.

"Humpty likes this look." The egg said with a smile.

Even the goldfish had mustaches. Elizabeth walked into the room, dropped the popcorn when she saw what was playing on the TV, and a mustache grew on her too.

A bit later, after the movie was shut off and the house (minus Humpty), were all shaved, everybody sat around a table. Plates were by everyone's side and a paper bag lay closed beside Elijah.

"Family meals are sometimes the best time to talk. That's why I ordered Chinese food." Elijah bowed his head and said grace, and then he took the food out of the bag and passed it down to each person. "Now I'd like you each to share something about your day, one thing that is good and one that is bad. I'll start. I like eating with Avis." Elijah winked at Avis with the last part.

"What do you hate?" Asked an impatient Jepson.

"...Eating with you."

"Humpty really likes his new look. And Humpty sees no bad in his new look." Humpty said.

"I see bad." Avis muttered, glaring at the egg.

"I'm thankful for the A I got in Chemistry." Elizabeth said cheerfully.

"You got an A in Chemistry?" Jepson asked, nearly spitting out a forkful of rice in surprise.

Elizabeth sighed. "...No, but I wish I did."

"In that case, I'm thankful I got Jepson's king-size bed." CarTer said, cheerfully as he reached in the bag for a fortune cookie, but Jepson swatted the cookie out of CarTer's hand and coincidently, into the fish bowl. "What was that for?"

"You're not supposed to eat the cookie until the end of the meal." Jepson scolded.

"Oh yeah? Well what if my fortune says I'm going to die choking on Chinese food? Don't you think I should have known?"

"When are fortunes ever that accurate?" Avis asked.

"Guys, we're supposed to be talking about good and bad things." Elijah reminded. Suddenly, everyone's eyes wandered to the Bald Young Baby who had stayed quiet this whole time.

"What's something you like about today? Avis asked.

The Bald Young Baby shrugged. "Probably the fact that watching you reminds me that I have a long way to go before I'm as insane as you."

**~ phantom130 5 (September 2013)**


End file.
